


Wish I Could Wake Up With Amnesia

by pandorasxbox



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bars and Pubs, Blood, Broken Promises, Car Accidents, Chance Meetings, Denial, Depression, Drinking, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Falling In Love, Fast Cars, Forgiveness, Friendship, Lies, M/M, Making Up, Mechanic Fili, Nightmares, Physical Abuse, Post-Loss, Regret, Second Chances, Slow Dancing, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Sunsets, Writing, breaking up, fili and kili are not related, guitarist Kili, mention of past suicide, paramedics, sunrise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:20:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5606509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorasxbox/pseuds/pandorasxbox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Friends from long ago, Fili and Kili reconnect and fall madly in love. Over time, Kili realizes Fili is slowly falling victim to drug and alcohol abuse as memories of a past tragic event begin to haunt him day and night. When Kili tries to get Fili the help he needs, their relationship begins to fall apart ending in anger and much regret. Years later, they meet again and are given a second chance for love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: PLEASE READ THE TAGS - there are many possible triggers in this story, so please do not read if you are sensitive to any of the mentioned tags. If I missed a tag, please tell me and I will add it immediately. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own these Tolkien/Jackson characters.
> 
> This story was inspired by the 5 Seconds of Summer song "Amnesia", and the tragic event is based on something that happened to a real life personal friend of mine who is still dealing with his loss after eleven years.

_“Kili! Don't go! Please! Please don’t leave me!”_

The last memories of his one and only true love Fili could remember was the look of disdain and anguish on Kili’s face, as the brunet furrowed his brow and jerked his arm away from Fili’s pleading grasp. Black eyeliner streaming down the brunet's cheeks from a flood of hurt and angry tears were a clear message why he was leaving. 

Kili couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t bear to watch Fili self-destruct. Too many hollow promises felt as if the blond could only lie to him. The liquid gold in the bottle was always more important than the heart of gold he tried to share with Fili. The white lines on the mirror were more pure to the blond than all the love Kili could give. 

The angry brunet threw his things in his car and drove away never looking back, though years of guilt plagued him believing he didn’t do enough to help the only man he ever loved with all his heart. 

Blue eyes fixated on the closed front door, Fili exhaled a stream of smoke up into the air. Two years ago to the day, his life stormed out that door and never returned. The flashing phone lying on the couch next him caused the blond to close his eyes and sigh. He knew who it was and he hesitantly decided to answer seeing as it was his friend calling for the fiftieth time already this morning.

“What, Ori? I know what today is! I’m fine!”

“You’re my best friend, Fee. You know I worry about you! Come out with me for the day, we'll find something to do. You need to do something to take your mind off…”

“DON’T SAY HIS NAME!” The memories of the Kili leaving him were just as painful as the day it happened, and he honestly didn't want to talk about it. Hearing his name was like rubbing salt into a raw fresh wound. Fili shook, but contained his anger knowing his friend was only trying to help. “I know you think I’m ridiculous, but I believe in my heart he’ll come back to me some day. Everyone I ever loved and cared about has left me. I know it was my fault he left, but life can't continued to be so cruel! He has to come back, or my life isn’t worth living anymore.” 

"Don't talk like that, Fili! I need you. Everyone wants you to be happy again, we all love you. You're young and there's a world of so many new and exciting possibilities out there for you to enjoy, if you'll just give yourself a chance to live again."

Fili snorted at this déjà vu conversation he was having with his friend four years after the tragic event that almost destroyed him. "I remember the first time you told me that."

"I-I'm sorry, Fee. I mean it now as much as I meant it then. Go back to college. You can do this. I believe in you! It's time for you to move on with or without...Kili."

Fili winced hearing his ex-boyfriend's name. "College, you say. I'm twenty-seven. A bit older than the average college student just starting out now, but..."

Ori felt a glimmer of hope in the way Fili spoke of his suggestion. "No 'buts', Fee. You're still young, and besides there's no age limit on learning! Do it! Going back to college to finish what you started long ago could change your life in so many ways, all for the better, I'm sure of it! I'll do whatever I can to help you whenever I can."

Taking a deep breath, Fili held it for a second before he said the words that would redirect his destiny. "Alright. I'll do it! But, Ori?"

"What? Anything?"

"I have no clue where to start. Can you help me? ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a nonlinear narrative unraveling Fili's past and everything that happened to get him to this point where we begin with this prologue set about mid story.


	2. Family and Friends

If you were a stranger walking into a crowded party or bar, it wouldn’t take long for you to recognize who was the life of the party. With friends and strangers gathered around one person in the room, that one person would most likely be Fili Oaks. Buying rounds of drinks or sharing some of his weed or cocaine with friends, he always made sure everyone was having a great time. The outgoing blond was a natural storyteller, and loved to make people laugh. 

From the moment he realized he could make people laugh as a child, it was his way of helping others smile again when they were feeling down. But the sad thing about this was, Fili also used his exuberant charming personality to mask many painful memories of his life he tried so desperately to keep tucked away.

Nighttime would forever be a struggle for him for multiple reasons through the course of his life. As a young boy, Fili would lay in his bed staring across the room locking eyes with his scared little brother only two years younger than himself. Family secrets tormented the boys. A life of darkness no one knew. How many times Fili found his mother beaten after his father came home shitfaced drunk, falling and stumbling over some of his and his brothers toys they forgot to put away. Their mother protected them, taking the beatings of her alcoholic husband to save her sons the abuse for any given reason.

“Hey, Fili! Want to head over to the bar when we finish here?” Fili’s younger brother, Frerin shoved the paint gun in his hand, and pointed at the engine block for the car they had been working on. “Jay said he wanted it blue instead of red this time.”

In the background, a loud engine fired rumbling alongside the open shop bringing Fili completely back from where his mind wandered. “Yeah, I’ll go to the bar with you. This won’t take me long.” The blond smiled at his brother, took the last drink of his Red Bull, and gave a nod tossing the empty can in the trash before he pulled the respirator mask over his face to begin painting.

As the bright blue paint began coating the cast iron engine block before him, the older blond found himself glancing up every few second as he kept an eye on Frerin working on another race engine on the other end of the shop. A swelling of pride grew in his chest. Fili was proud of his brother. The twenty-one year old was a hard worker, with as much endless energy as himself. He was smart, funny and kind, and had such a promising future. 

Frerin’s best friend, Bofur’s candy apple red 1970 Barracuda pulled around the side of the garage. Everyone was jealous of the 454 Hemi engine he just put in his car. It was loud. It was fast. It was power. 

Fili was only five years old when his father sat him in a fuel powered go-kart on their two hundred acre plot of land. With three shops and a dirt track his father built for his family and friends, a life of racing was all his family ever knew, including his mother who raced cars as well. Racing was in their blood, and every member of their family was addicted and attracted to speed, aggressiveness, and power. 

Bofur killed the engine, but left his country music blaring from the massive speaker system he’d recently installed. Frerin grimaced and hollered across the garage at his friend. “Turn that shit off!”

Turning off the music, Bofur laughed out loud unoffended knowing his friends didn’t share the same taste in music, and he always had to poke a bit fun at them over it. “I can’t believe you southern boys still don’t like country music!”

Frerin shook his head and snorted. "How many times do I have to tell you, just because we live in the south doesn't mean we _have_ to like country music." 

Fili turned off the air compressor and began cleaning out the paint gun. “It’s depressing, Bofur! I don’t enjoy tears in my beer listening about how Mary Sue left Bobby Joe and took his truck and hound dog written a thousand different ways.”

“Whatever! Country music is tastefully written for more cultured people like myself.” Bofur rearranged his signature floppy hat and playfully punched Frerin in the arm. “Since you guys don’t appreciate good music, I hear there’s a new band going to be playing at your favorite bar in town tonight. I’ll go with you guys, if you want to go. I can endure the blood draining from my ears for one night!”

~*~

The smoke swirled in rings lingering in the stale air of his living room. It took everything out of Fili daily to even get out of bed anymore much less move from his broken down couch. 

“Paramedic.” A word the blond never thought he’d ever utter again. Long ago, he thought being a paramedic would be the perfect job him. Unfortunately, one fateful night four years ago steered Fili from ever believing this job was something he could actually do. 

Blessed with intelligence, Fili's high school counselor tried her best to talk him into going to college to do something with computers because his knowledge of computers was amazing. He attributed that to too many, many hours he and Frerin spent gaming and figuring out how to hack them.

Though he liked gaming and computers, he was way too hyper to sit at a computer all day as an occupation. He needed to do something with his hands. He needed to stay busy and keep moving. The day Fili saved his mother's life after a brutal beating, was the moment he considered being a paramedic was something he would like to do some day when he grew up.

_“Call 911! Frerin! Hurry!” Screaming at his trembling little brother standing in their kitchen with hands covered in their mother’s blood, thirteen year old Fili tried to perform CPR on her limp battered body. “Frerin! Hurry or she’s going to die!”_

A knock on the door pulled the blond back to the present. Fili crushed the cigarette out in the ashtray, and took a long drink from his bottle of water. He barely got the door open and Ori shoved his way in throwing his arms around his friend giving him a tight squeeze. 

“I’m so excited you’re going back to college, I decided I’m going too! You know, why not? Medical assisting is a good job and all, but being a paramedic would be way more rewarding.”

~*~

The first day Fili took a seat in the classroom, he felt oddly comfortable here almost as if he'd never stopped going to class over four years ago. Surrounded by eager minds, most of his classmates were not as young as he thought they would be. It also helped that his best friend was sitting right next to him. 

Looking over at Ori grinning like a chesire cat, Fili snickered a bit then sobered. "Thanks, Ori."

"For what?"

"For standing by me through everything. I don't know why you did."

"Why wouldn't I? You've been my best friend for as long as I can remember. You always had my back as kids, why wouldn't I be there for you when you needed me? I care about you, Fee, and I'd be lost without you."

The blond swallowed hard letting down the guarded wall he'd built around himself long enough to let Ori in. It was an overwhelming feeling knowing someone truly need him and cared about him. His very existence really did matter to someone, and Ori was one of the few people he ever cared about in his life that hadn't left him. He had been at his side through good times and bad. 

_"Did you just shove my friend?" With the skinny long haired brunet's shirt wrapped in one fist and the other fist drawn back to punch him, sixteen year old Kili stammered staring back at the furious little blond._

_"I-I'm sorry! D-Don't hit me!"_

_"I don't like bullies! Why the fuck did you shove Ori down like that?" Seeing the sincerity in the boy's frightened brown eyes, Fili released his grip on the boy's shirt, and stood down. "Get out of here, and don't ever let me catch you picking on him again or I will kick your ass!"_

_The tightness in his throat almost choked him, as Kili tried to apologize again. "I-I really am sorry. I wasn't trying to bully him. He tripped me, and I thought for a minute he did it on purpose so I shoved him." Blinking like a scared rabbit, Fili listened and began to believe the new kid. "I was bullied in my old school, and made up my mind when I came here, I'd never let anyone treat me that way again. It was an accident, and I'm sorry."_

_The brunet flinched as Fili shot out a hand for him to shake. "I'm Fili. This is my best friend, Ori. I'm sorry. It was just a misunderstanding."_

_Kili relaxed and shook the blond's hand. "I'm Kili. Kili Durin. I just moved here last week."_

~`~

Hanging onto his hat, Bofur was thrashing about on the dance floor in front of the bar's stage, head-banging to the band's loud cover of Metallica's song 'Enter Sandman' much to Fili and Frerin's amusement. 

"I think he likes this music more than he lets on!" Frerin shouted over the volume for Fili to hear. 

Fili let out a genuine belly laugh and grabbed Frerin by the arm dragging him through the crowd to join Bofur. In the midst of their enthusiastic flailing about, Fili's movements came to a sudden stop as his eyes met those dark sultry eyes of the raven haired guitarist smiling back at him. The blond was already wearing a huge smile, but managed an even broader smile showing the brunet those adorable dimples he'd missed seeing so much.

"Kili!"


	3. Kili

Sitting around a bonfire built somewhere between the back of the Oaks’ house and the dark woods filling much of their two hundred acre lot, Fili and Frerin sat with their many friends celebrating Frerin’s sixteenth birthday. 

Gathered around were Fili, Frerin, Kili, Ori, Bofur, Faramir, Boromir, Ori’s older brother Nori, and the Oaks brother’s cousin, Bard. The boys ranged in age from sixteen to twenty, Nori and Bard being the oldest. 

For his special birthday, Frerin’s father, Teron not only handed over the keys to a custom car he secretly built for him, he decided it was time for his youngest son to own his own gun so he could go hunting with him and the other Oaks men. 

Fili received his first gun and right to hunt with his father, uncle Thorin, and his cousin, Bard on his sixteenth birthday as well. Hunting together was one of the few times Fili and Frerin could bond with their father besides the time they spent building and driving race cars together. It was also fun to spend time with their uncle and cousin.

Teron had left a cooler of beer for the boys much to his wife’s dismay, but she already knew all the boys drank and there wasn’t that many cans in the cooler for them to possibly get drunk. 

Their uncle Thorin stopped out to make sure all their tents were set up, checking to see if they needed anything. He sat down amongst the ring of friends to share a beer with them. Kili took a second can from Frerin who was passing them around to everyone. 

This was a strange family, Kili thought reflecting on his own family values. They would never allow this. Kili was a normal teenage boy, sneaking to have a beer whenever he could, but to have adults handing it out to minors so freely was foreign to him. He always wondered how Fili was able to supply them with beer so readily, and though he told him before, he knew now he wasn’t lying.

After Thorin left, Fili noticed Kili had been watching him in silence for a long time. “What?”

“Your dad and uncle are pretty cool.”

“My uncle is.”

“I can't believe your dad’s letting us drink. My mom and dad would have an epic meltdown if they knew.”

“You’re not going to tell them, are you?”

“Hell no! Your dad’s always been so nice to me. He told me earlier he would paint my car for my eighteenth birthday.”

“That’s...nice.”

"You're so lucky to have such a cool dad." 

Fili bit his lip holding back what he really wanted to say, but went with sarcasm instead. "Yeah. He's 'father of the year' material." 

Sitting between the two, Ori knew Fili didn’t want to discuss his father any longer so he quickly changed the subject for him. “So Kili, what are your plans after graduation?”

“Actually, I just received my acceptance to USC for music the other day! I have an old friend from where I used to live that’s going too, and we’re going to share an apartment out there. We decided to go ahead and get jobs and live out there right after graduation.”

Bofur overheard the conversation and requested Kili get his guitar out to play for them. Watching Kili play, seeing his bright smile enjoying entertaining everyone, Fili’s heart sank hearing his friend’s plans to move so far away. 

He had developed a secret attraction to Kili. No one except Frerin knew he was gay, and he had no idea if Kili was. It was painful to know the one person he desired was possibly going to leave without knowing how he felt. It was awkward, and he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything. 

~`~

High school was behind them, and Kili was ready to set off on his own to start college on the opposite side of the country. Ori and Fili helped their friend pack up his car, and watched him say good-bye to his mom and dad before they got to see him off.

Resisting the urge to kiss his friend, Fili opted for a bro shake and quick hug. They had just been good friends for the past three years, hanging out now and then. Occasionally partying together, music, cars and guitar ruled their lives. Saying good-bye to Kili, felt as if he was saying good-bye forever not knowing when they might ever meet again.

Kili was a talented guitarist with humble dreams of traveling the country getting to play wherever his band might get a job to play. He hoped someday they would become famous enough to sell millions of albums, but for now becoming internet famous was a huge deal, and it helped them book gigs in decent clubs and bars throughout the country. 

Over the years, Kili had lost touch with Fili and Ori, and when he found out his band got a job to play in his old hometown, he was ecstatic wondering if he’d be able to see them again. After five years though, he had no idea if they even still lived in that town. 

Kili certainly never forgot Fili. The way he laughed, his smile, those dimples, and oh don’t get him started on how much he loved the blond’s perfect ass. He kicked himself so many time never finding the nerve to tell Fili how much he liked him. 

But now Fili was here standing before him. That face, those crystal blue eyes, that long beautiful golden hair with his signature braids woven into those curls. His friend had grown even more attractive over the years with a bit thicker beard, and what was up with that braided moustache? Kili swooned. It was Fili, and so very sexy! 

Fili couldn’t believe his eyes seeing the only man that continued to fill his fantasies standing on the stage playing the guitar with such passion. Frerin saw Fili freeze on the dance floor and followed his gaze to the stage. He shouted “Isn’t that Kili?”

Fili couldn’t take his eyes off the guitarist, and just nodded. After a few beers, and a line of coke, Fili had lost all inhabitations. Even though Kili couldn’t hear him, he read his lips clear as day. _“I want you.”_

How many years Kili wanted to hear Fili say that. How many years Fili wanted to say that to Kili, and couldn’t. 

After the band had finished playing, Fili took Kili for a ride in his newest custom car showing off what a powerful engine he’d built. Kili was used to Fili’s crazy need for speed, and loved it too. On the drive to Fili’s secret destination, they joked around like the friends they'd always been. Time had stood still. Five years was like yesterday, and yet somehow they were older now.

Fili parked the car, and Kili followed him through some woods until they came to a small clearing to a hillside that overlooked the city below. In the late night hours, the lights of the city twinkled like stars, and yet the stars above were beginning to fade with the sunrise approaching.

“Remember my secret sanctuary? We used to come up here to get high?" 

“Of course I do! We had a lot of good times up here.” Kili loved the peacefulness of this spot, not to mention how much he loved being alone with Fili here. 

Fili grinned. “You and Frerin were the only ones I ever brought here. I never even told Ori about this place. You should be honored.”

“I am.”

Pulling a blunt from the pocket of his jacket, Fili heard Kili snicker as he fired it up. "What?"

"You haven't changed a bit."

"Why should I? Do you still smoke?"

"Give it here." Kili reached over for the burning joint, and Fili passed it over more than happy to share his weed with his long lost friend. It felt just like old times. 

They laid on the grassy hillside staring into the night sky turning pink without talking, letting their minds wander about as time slipped by. Fili sat up, then Kili. 

Wiping his eyes, being careful not to smear his stage make up, Kili yawned, and stared at Fili curiously seeing how wide awake he still seemed to be. "Aren't you even the slightest bit sleepy, bro?"

"I don't sleep much."

With silence that followed, Kili looked away. Fili tipped his head a little with a slight grin appearing. “What do you really want to ask me?”

Quickly looking back, the brunet’s heart skipped a beat. “What do you mean?”

“I can tell by the way you've been looking at me all night, there’s something you want to ask me.”

“Are you…” Kili couldn't say the word, but he didn't need to. 

Fili smirked and licked his lips. “Are you?”

Kili nodded shyly, allowing Fili to reply. “Yes. I’m gay." Something unseen began pulling them towards one another. "Can I kiss you?”

As their lips brushed together, Kili slid his fingers into Fili's curls. “I’d be offended if you didn’t”

Melting into one another, Fili tangle his fingers into his friend's long raven hair and slipped his tongue between Kili's parted lips. A euphoric wave from their first kiss washed over them as the brunet moaned feeling Fili's warm tongue invading his mouth. The blond wanted more than he was prepared for at the moment as he felt their kiss turning a bit needy. Retreating from the lustful kiss, Fili let Kili kiss his lips gently before they parted. Neither one wanted this to end, but morning was insisting on starting a new day, and the musician had already had a long day before. 

Still sitting on the ground, Fili picked up his jacket and slipped it on. "Would you like to go to my place?”

Kili suddenly became rather nervous. “I’ve never slept with anyone on a first date before.” 

Fili replied rather curtly, but jokingly. “This isn’t a date. And I wasn’t going to ask you to sleep with me. I just thought because I live right down the road from here, you could sleep at my place and I’d take you wherever you need to go when we wake up. Besides. I’m too exhausted right now to have sex with anyone anyway.”

"Oh, um.." Kili was embarrassed for assuming, but Fili quickly smiled and gave him a quick kiss to set things right. “But if you’d want to, I’d like you take you on a proper first date tomorrow night.”

Any doubt the brunet had vanished in an instant. "I'd like that. Very much."

"Great!" Fili was so excited and pleased with the way things were going with Kili. For once maybe he could fall asleep with sweet dreams instead of pills. 

Kili fastened his seat belt as they got back into the car to head to Fili's place. Feeling a sudden warmth on his thigh, the brunet felt a stirring in his tight jeans realizing Fili's hand was on him. "Oh, and, Kili...just so you know, there's a first time for everything."


	4. Good-Bye Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili and Kili have their first real date, but after realizing how much they had fallen for one another, reality of their situation leaves them feeling quite sad having to say good-bye for the second time in their lives.

_”Those poor boys.”_

Heading through the local diner in town, the whispers were louder than thunder ringing in their ears as Fili and Frerin walked by a few tables to take their seat. 

_“I heard he shot himself!”_

With everyone’s eyes in the small establishment fixed on them, the young men couldn’t help but feel like fodder for the gossip mill.

 _"I heard he must have thought he killed her.”_

“Why does everyone feel the need to talk about it? It’s none of their business!” Frerin hissed looking to his brother for answers, but Fili was just as irritated at his neighbors gossiping. “Just ignore them, Frerin. Their lives must be pretty boring to have to talk about ours they know shit about.” 

“Fili? Fili!” 

The blond looked up with bloodshot eyes from the greasy bacon and eggs untouched on his plate to see Kili sitting there staring at him from across the sticky diner table. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

“Oh, I uh, sorry. I'm not really hungry.”

“You were pretty lost in thought. What were you thinking about?”

Sitting in the very same booth he and his brother sat at three years ago, Fili couldn’t bring himself to nor did he want to discuss his memories with Kili right now. It didn’t seem like the appropriate place or time to have this conversation with his long lost friend who didn't know yet what had happened to his parents. 

“Nothing. I'm still really tired." 

"So am I." 

"Sorry I got you up so early. I couldn't sleep." 

"I thought maybe you didn't want your parents to see you sneaking me out of your room, or maybe you couldn't wait to get rid of me." 

Ignoring the part about his parents, Fili snickered until he noticed Kili was serious. "Are you kidding me? I can't wait to see you again tonight! You know...when I take you on our first date." 

"I can't wait for tonight either." Feeling lighthearted again, Kili gave his friend a playful smile. "Well, since we're done here, I guess you should take me back to my hotel so I can get some real sleep. I want to be well rested so I can stay up all night with you again." 

Sounded like a good plan to Fili feeling more optimistic about their date knowing his friend wanted to stay up all night with him. 

The waitress stopped by to leave their tab and ask if they needed anything else. “Could I get a large black coffee to go, please?" 

After she walked away, Kili gave his friend a curious look. "Drinking a large coffee isn't going to help you sleep." 

"I wasn't going to sleep anymore today. I told you I don't sleep much." 

~*~*~

Bard stood there in his hunting gear with a bow and quiver slung on his back watching his father and cousins, Fili and Frerin walking toward him from Teron’s house. “Isn’t he coming?”

The sad and disgusted looks on the faces of his nephews tore at Thorin’s heart. He glanced at his son and kept walking with his nephews following close behind. “Teron is…he’s a…he’s not feeling well.”

“He’s not feeling much of anything right now.” Frerin grumbled beneath his breath receiving his brother’s swift elbow to the ribs. 

Thorin was the only person besides his sister-in-law and nephews that knew how much of an alcoholic his brother was. Bard knew his uncle drank a lot, but had no idea how bad it was until the four of them were returning from their day long hunting trip from deep in the family’s woods late that evening. 

A single loud pop rang across the family property echoing in the men’s ears. Fili’s head snapped up from beneath the hood of his jacket to catch Frerin’s eyes wide with fright seeing their uncle sprint away the second they heard the shot. 

“Stay here!” Thorin shouted as the three young men immediately obeyed. No one ever shot their gun near the house, and Teron was the one who made that a strict rule.

It took every ounce of restraint for Fili not to run toward his home, but he failed when Frerin couldn’t mind himself any longer taking off running across the field. 

Bard was able to catch up to his cousins, throwing his arms around them just as he heard the screams of his father finding his brother, Teron lying dead from a gunshot wound to the head in the grass about fifty feet from the back of the house. When Thorin saw the boys, he yelled at his son. "Bard, go! Get them out of here now!" 

~*~*~

Fili knocked on Kili's hotel room door nervously awaiting for him to answer. He kept checking the buttons of his shirt, and fidgeting with his tie feeling his palms becoming moist. _'Why am I so nervous? It's just Kili!'_

When the door opened, the blond's heart skipped a beat. Seeing Kili in different light as his date, and not just the friend he'd always been left him feeling a bit weak. "Wow!" He said breathlessly. "You look great!" For once his friend didn't look like the metalhead guitarist he had come accustomed to seeing. 

Every strand of his long raven hair was in place, his beard though had only ever been stubble was neatly trimmed. Kili's ripped jeans, black band t-shirt, and all the heavy looking chains and piercings he wore were replaced with a pair of black skinny jeans, an emerald green dress shirt and tie that covered all his tattoos, and his jewelry and piercings were more subtle and refined. 

Embarrassed yet flattered by his friend's compliment made Kili blush. "Thank you. So do you." Taken by how amazing his blond mechanic friend Fili looked all cleaned up dressed in nice dress clothing letting his long hair down save for a few strands pulled back in a clip. His crystal blue eyes seemed even more beautiful off-set by the sapphire blue shirt he wore. Kili wanted to grab him by the arm, drag him into his hotel room and skip the date altogether, but of course he didn't.

After a cliché romantic dinner, Fili opted not to take Kili to the pub or bars he and Frerin and his friends visited regularly. Driving toward his destination, he thought maybe he should ask his date if where he was headed was acceptable. "Would you be offended if I took you to a gay bar?"

On the contrary his friend was grateful at the gesture. Kili was more comfortable with the idea of going to a gay bar with Fili than the one he and his friends normally frequented. At least they could relax and be themselves romantically without the questionable looks and awkward stares from any disapproving customers.

Because Frerin was the only person that knew Fili was gay, he only went there to hook up with men to satisfy himself on rare occasions. He was confident no one he knew would ever see him there. However, walking into the bar with Kili on his arm, he was completely unprepared to see the first person he locked eyes with was none other than his cousin, Bard. 

The stunned looks on both their faces was priceless Kili thought as Fili stammered. "I-I never thought I'd see you here."

"Same here." Bard countered. 

"I had no idea." Fili wasn't sure who was more shocked at the moment.

"Same here." Bard eyed the brunet hanging onto his cousin's arm. "Kili. Good to see you again. Have you two been _together_ all these years?"

Finding some amusement in the awkward moment made Kili bite back a huge grin. "No. I was in town with my band, and ran into Fili. This is our first date."

"Well then! Let me buy the new couple a drink!" 

After Bard handed over their first drinks, the brunet gave Fili a wink sending them on their way. "Don't mind me. You two go have fun!"

With drinks in hand, the two thanked Bard, and maneuvered through the small yet crowded bar to find a table where they could be alone. 

Sitting here with Kili felt so comfortable as if the last five years had never parted them. "I'm so glad Bofur asked us to go to the bar last night. I've thought about you for years wondering whatever happened to you. I've missed you so much, Kee."

"Yeah. Life just got crazy, and...Fili, I don't want you to think I forgot about you. I never stopped thinking about you. I always hoped we'd see each other again."

"I was crazy about you in high school, you know. I wanted you back then as much as I do now."

Sounding so desperate Fili kicked himself for it until Kili echoed the sentiment. "Me too. I loved watching you work on your cars. Especially when you'd take your shirt off. All filthy with grease or paint smeared on your body, and your hair pulled up going every which way. You were just..."

"Damn you were so hot playing your guitar! I loved the way your fingers danced on the strings, and how you would move grinding against it when you were really into a song like you were...like you were making love to it. God, I wanted to be that guitar...shit, did I just say that out loud?" Fili felt the heat painting his face slightly pink as they both got a good laugh over his slip of the tongue. 

"I wish we would've told each other how we felt back then." Kili meant every word, and Fili agreed. Their lives could have possibly been so different. 

After many hours and many drinks, most all their confessions of admiration and adoration had been spoken. Fili finally reached over to lay a hand on Kili's just as someone playing the jukebox put on the Beyoncé cover song "At Last" which immediately caught Fili's attention seeing couples heading for the very small dance floor. "Would you like to dance with me?"

"I'd love to!" Neither one of the young men were thoroughly enjoying any of the music being played this evening, but it was different and they were having fun, and now a slow song. Kili would've never guessed Fili would be interested in slow dancing, but he was up for anything to have the blond wrap his arms around him and hold him close.

Holding onto Fili's hand, Kili followed him onto the dance floor letting the little blond take the lead. Swaying to the music with arms about one another's waist, they both shyly began to gaze into the other's eyes. 

"I always liked when you wore your dark eyeliner, but I never noticed until now how beautiful and sexy your eyes really are without it."

"I was always mesmerized by your gorgeous eyes, though I thought they would look even brighter and sexier _with_ a little liner." Kili said with his adorable smile causing his friend's dimples to grow. "And what's with this braided moustache? I love it!"

Reaching up to pad his finger over one of the plaited strands, Fili nervously wet his lips feeling Kili touching him like this. "I'm glad you like it." 

Their gentle smiles faded listening to the words of the song playing in the background, drawing their lips together. Kili let go of the tiny braid, sliding his long fingers across Fili's beard tangling them in the blond's curls, as one of Fili's hands moved down the brunet's back to feel his tight jeans fitting his firm ass as he held their bodies even closer together as they continued to dance slowly moving to the music. Getting lost in the moment, Kili deepened their kiss only to draw back leaving them both a bit breathless. 

"Is our date over yet? I'm ready to go back to the hotel."

Fili blinked unsure if he had done something wrong. "Uh, I guess it can be if you want it to be." Barely releasing his friend from their embrace, Kili pulled him back for another kiss.

"Fili, I meant I want _us_ to go back to my hotel room. You live too far away from here, and I don't want to wait that long to..."

Any doubt how Kili felt about him faded away feeling how hard the brunet had become standing there on the dance floor wrapped lovingly in his arms. "Let's go."

*

Returning to the hotel room, they couldn't get out of their clothes fast enough to satisfy their desires falling onto one of the two beds together. After hours of fucking on both hotel beds and once more in the shower, Kili laid draped over Fili on one of the beds as they relaxed and contemplated their future. 

It had never crossed either of their minds until now. So caught up in the moment of finding one another again, seemingly falling in love, making up for lost time, it was all about to end like a fairytale dream when the reality of their situation came clear. Kili was going to have to leave with his band the following day back on the road heading off to the next town.

With one arm wrapped around Kili's back to hold him there not ever wanting to let go, the blond sifted his fingers through his friend's long silky locks. "I don't want to say good-bye again."

Tucked comfortably beneath Fili's arm resting his head on him, Kili's fingertips drew little circles through the light blond hair covering his friend's muscular chest. "Me either. I don't mean this the way it might sound, but I almost wish I hadn't found you. It's going to hurt too much to leave you again."

They both pushed themselves up and away from the other as Fili went across the room to pull something from his pants pocket. The blond climbed back onto the bed and popped something into his mouth and grabbed the glass of water sitting on the table next to the bed taking a drink.

"What's that?"

Fili sat the glass back on the table, and held out his hand to reveal a small white pill. "Do you want one?"

"What is it?"

"Speed."

"That won't help you sleep."

"I don't like to sleep. Besides, since you're leaving me tomorrow I want to spend every waking moment enjoying you."

Kili eyed the drug and shook his head. "No. I actually like to sleep." 

"Fine. I'll just sit here and watch you sleep then." The blond laid the pill on the table and took Kili into his arms again. Rolling him onto his back hoping to arouse him again with a passionate kiss, lying between the brunet's thighs he pressed his weight against him. Kili could feel the tension between them mounting. "Kili, please let me make love to you one more time before you fall asleep. I want to remember you this way before you leave me again."

Feeling almost every muscle in his body tense, Kili couldn't bring himself to let go of Fili holding him tight. "Come with me! Go on the road with me, we won't have to say good-bye!"

The thought of leaving this town behind didn't seem like a bad idea getting to spend every day with Kili, but he couldn't. He couldn't just up and leave Frerin. Fili was all his twenty-one year old brother had left in this world that made him feel safe and loved. Frerin was still very young and depended on Fili to help run their business, and to take care of their home they shared alone.

"I can't, Kee. Frerin needs me." The sad truth hurt even more knowing they were possibly falling in love, and Kili honestly didn't want to leave him as he let go rolling off his friend. "Get some sleep. I'll explain everything in the morning." 

Kili suddenly felt empty and alone though he snuggled against his friend who held him tight. "Promise me you'll be here when I wake to make love to me one more time before you go, Fee. I'm afraid you'll slip away while I sleep." 

With a tender kiss pressed against his lips, Fili promised. "There's no way I'd leave you without saying good-bye. I promise I'll be right here holding you, watching you sleep as the sun rises." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What have I done to myself again...after looking over my outline for this story, sorry or not I have come to believe this is going to be a long one. 0_0


	5. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a life changing event rocks Fili's world, Kili leaves his band and the life he knew behind to buy a house with Fili with hopes he can help him through some certain rough times ahead ignoring the signs foreshadowing the future for these twenty-three year olds.  
> This chapter will also go into more detail about Fili's parents and his childhood, and in the present, Fili realizes he's not completely mentally well yet, convincing Ori he's not ready to find Kili just yet.

_“Frerin, what did you do?!”_

_Fili’s eyes were wide with fear for his little brother. In all his ten years, Fili knew better than to ever touch his father’s things, and now Frerin was standing there in their father’s shop with red paint spilled on his hands and clothing not to mention the shop floor and expensive chrome parts their father just bought for a car he was building._

_“I’m sorry! What am I going to do Fili? Dad’s gonna kill me!”_

_There was nothing in the entire world that hurt and disturbed Fili more than to witness his father beat Frerin. So many times in the past, if Frerin was being punished, Fili would try to leave the room, but was forced to stay and watch as his own reminder not to misbehave._

_“You knew better! What were you thinking?!” The older brother was panicked trying to think quickly how to amend the situation before their father could find what Frerin had done._

“Hey Fee, do you like this color?” Seeing the cheery bright red paint Kili had painted their bathroom triggered memories of the day Fili saved his little brother from a harsh beating from their father, taking the blame and the beating for what Frerin had done to protect him.

“Why red?”

Kili’s smile disappeared with Fili’s obvious dislike of the color. “I thought it would look great with all the white fixtures. I’m sorry. You don’t like it. I should’ve asked your opinion. I wanted to surprise you.”

Fili couldn’t stand to see Kili’s disappointment after all the work he’d done hoping to bring life to their dull sterile white bathroom. Looking again at the room, he had to admit it was pretty cool visualizing what the room would look like with some decorations and a nice colorful patterned shower curtain.

The blond smiled and gave his painter a hug and big kiss. “I love it! Because you do, and I love you.” Tucking the strands of hair that had escaped Kili’s ponytail behind his ear, Fili kissed him again with desire.

“I am sorry I didn’t ask your opinion about the paint color before I did it. This is _our_ house, and I should’ve asked.”

Shaking his head, Fili was fine with whatever Kili wanted. His sweet Kili was the world to him, and honestly whatever made Kili happy, made Fili happy too. “You don’t need to ask me anything. Do whatever you want to the house. If you like it, I’ll love it!”

~~~It had been seven months since the friends fell in love in the few short days they'd spent together just before Kili had to leave with his band, when tragedy struck Fili once again sending him spiraling. Selflessly, Kili dropped everything to come back to his old hometown to be at Fili's side, when Ori gave him the news. 

The twenty-three year old friends turned lovers, bought a house together. Kili hoped it would be a fresh start for Fili, removing him from his childhood home where he knew bad memories lingered, but in time he would learn a new home would not be enough to erase a lifetime of painful unseen wounds and the most recent event was the most painful of all. 

Leaving his two hundred acre childhood home to his uncle Thorin, was bittersweet. Though Fili had so many traumatic memories there, it was still the only home he’d ever known, and not all memories were bad. 

There were many good memories of happy days filled with adventure and laughter at every age, Fili shared with his brother Frerin, and their cousin Bard, not to mention their many friends. Bofur in particular could keep them all in stitches with his crazy antics and hilarious jokes. 

Memories of his strong yet gentle, devoted mother. She was the light in their darkness. No matter what she endured, she made sure Fili and Frerin were given every opportunity to have a somewhat normal childhood full of love. She was the one that taught them how to love and care for others. Respect, responsibility, and how to protect the innocent whenever they could. 

Their father, wasn’t always a horrible monster. Teron’s demons were released in fits of anger or rage when the whiskey he drank spoke to his mind forgetting everything he cherished and valued in life would suddenly have no meaning at all until after the fact when he came back to his senses begging for forgiveness. 

Teron tried to give Fili and Frerin everything they asked for, and the boys loved him for all the time they spent together doing all the fun things they mutually enjoyed together as any father and sons would do. Many days they spent with Teron teaching them how to hunt and fish, and of course they learned how to build car engines at a very young age. 

The many hours he spent teaching his sons how to race on their family’s dirt track was where the boys soon learned to love the rush of driving a race car as much as he did. It was on their dirt track, behind the wheel of a fast car driving with a wide open throttle where they felt the most comfortable and free, and faster the better the high they got from it. 

Though Teron loved his family as much as he terrorized them, he hated himself for what he'd become to them to the very end. He wanted to give his family everything, yet saw himself as a worthless failure. 

Unfortunately, the only thing Teron could never give them was that which they desired most. To stop drinking. To get help. To be the husband and father they knew he could be when he was sober. ~~~

Kili laid a loving hand against Fili's cheek. “I just wanted to make this house a home for us. A new start for you. I know you’ve been through so much. Leaving your place to Thorin after…”

Taking his hand in his own, Fili avoided letting Kili complete the sentence knowing what he was about to say giving him a tender kiss. “I’m just glad to be here with you, Kee. Anywhere I am with you _is_ home.”

~*~*~

In one of their paramedics classes, Ori sat next to his friend watching him with increasing concern. The graphic photos of vehicle accidents were beginning to overwhelm Fili. “Are you alright, Fee?”

Seeing the blood and mangled bodies caused Fili to swallow hard, fighting back this morning’s breakfast. He looked at his hands, and to his eyes they were red, covered in blood. Bolting from his seat, he fled the classroom in horror. 

Ori ran after his friend catching him in his arms outside the room. “Oh Fili!”

“I can’t! I can’t do this, Ori! I thought I was ready, but I’m not!” Visibly shaking with tears flooding his eyes, Fili was overwhelmed with the one memory that destroyed his life. 

“I understand, and I knew this was going to be hard for you! You’ve come so far, Fili, you need to free yourself from your past! It's been four years! If you can come to terms with all that has happened, you can finally move on! Don’t you want that? I thought you were doing this for...I thought you wanted to put the past behind you, so you could try to find Kili and try to work things out.”

“I thought I was ready, but maybe I’m not! Maybe I never will be! After seeing those pictures, I know for a fact I'm not going to be able to do this mock accident! Maybe I’ll never be okay again! Oh god, Kili was right to leave me when he did!”

Ori saw in his eyes what hope Fili ever had in winning Kili back fade. “I heard he’s happy and he’s moved on with someone else. I ran into Tauriel the other day, and she told me he’d moved in with someone about six months ago.”

“Doesn’t mean that he’s forgotten you, Fee. He really loved you. Years ago, he gave up everything to move back here and live with you after Frerin…”

“And I destroyed us! I don’t know why he stayed with me as long as he did putting up with my shit for two years!”

“Kili stayed with you because he loved you! He wanted you to get well!”

“And I hurt him! So many times. I was no better than my dad! There must be truth in the old saying we always hurt the ones we love the most.”

"It's been a long time since he left, Fee. Maybe connecting with him a this time, will be the right time. Does Tauriel still have contact with him?" 

"I don't know if she does, I didn't ask after she told me he'd found someone. But no." Shaking his head, Fili was certain. "After the way I just freaked out in there over those pictures, I know I still have a long way to go before I can think about even talking to Kili again." 

~*~*~

Everyone in the small town felt sympathy for Fili, for he was so young to have lost so much. It was hard to comprehend what he had gone through, but with the help of his friends, he pulled through. Much credit was given to Ori for quickly thinking of Kili. Everyone was especially happy to see how quickly Kili was able to pull Fili out of his depression after such devastation, but little did they all know, Fili's volatile state of mind had turned fragile, and their troubles were just about to begin. 

Kili was happily back on stage again playing guitar for a local band. After leaving his band and moving back to his old hometown to live with Fili, his dreams of becoming a famous rock star didn't matter to him anymore. He was so in love with Fili nothing mattered as long as they were together, and after the event that caused Fili to want to end his life, he needed Kili more than ever. 

The barmaid smiled as she handed Fili his drink. "It's good to see you smile again, Fee!" Tauriel was an old high school friend of theirs that had always had a crush on Frerin. 

Taking a drink from the glass of Vodka she handed him, Fili flashed her his dimples, beaming with happiness. "Having Kili back home with me is all I needed!"

The redheaded barmaid gave him a wink. "I know he's very happy to be home with you again too!"

No sooner had she left, another long time friend, Talon took a seat next to him. "Hey Fili! How're you doing?"

"Hey Talon! I'm doing good! Do you remember Kili from high school? He moved back and we're living together now. We're a...we're together. You know...like...we came out." 

"Yeah, so I heard! That's great! So you, uh...are you still working on cars?"

The question struck him hard. It hurt knowing why it was a question at all. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I?"

The young man stammered realizing it probably wasn't a subject he should have brought up with the mechanic so soon after what had happened. "I just thought because...I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean..."

The blond's lighthearted tone changed drastically turning on his friend. "It was an accident. Shit happens. Do you need something, Talon? Why are you here?"

"I was going to ask you if you wanted to buy any..." With a hand gesture, Fili knew exactly what his dealer friend was referring to. "Someone told me you started shooting up."

"No. I did it once after...and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again." Looking around Fili took his friend by the arm. "Come with me."

From the stage though it was hard to see across the fairly large room with the lights in his eyes, Kili could see Fili leaving with someone he didn't recognize. Between sets, he was finally able to catch up with him. 

The blond was in an exaggerated state of happiness, laughing and having a grand time sitting at a table with five others. "Fee, could I talk to you for a minute?" Kili pulled him along to the restroom for privacy. "Are you alright?"

"I'm great! I just got this from Talon. You wanna do a line with me?" Pulling the small plastic bag of white powder from his pocket, Kili's eyes darted back and forth between the cocaine and the lustful smirk on Fili's lips. "Then maybe we could have a quickie in the car."

Remembering the name from long ago, it was clear now why Fili left with someone Kili didn't recognize. He shook his head with a snicker, giving Fili a kiss. "Maybe later. You don't need another line right now anyway. Looks like you're doing just fine!"

"I am fine. I have you!" Slipping his arms around his dark haired lover pulling him close, grinding against him, Fili nipped at Kili's bottom lip. "Can't wait to get you home."

*

Toward the end of the night, the band was packing up while Fili sat at the bar chatting with Tauriel waiting patiently. It was then he saw someone he didn't know getting a little too friendly with Kili, but he saw red when the man wouldn't take _no_ for an answer getting a bit rough with him. 

The man was obviously too drunk to know what he was doing, but Fili didn't see it that way. Kili was trying to be as discreet and diplomatic as he could be in thwarting the drunk man's advances not wanting to cause a scene in front of any of the remaining patrons, but his efforts were in vain by the time Fili got ahold of the man.

"Get your fucking hands off him!" The irate blond grabbed the man with both hands, and threw him crashing into multiple tables and chairs. Everyone stopped what they were doing to witness Fili's rage as he started to go toward the drunk lying on the floor. 

Kili grabbed Fili's arm and pulled him back. "Stop, Fili!"

It should have been a sign of things to come, but feeling Fili fall against his chest to hold him tight felt more like a plea for help to Kili as he tried to calm him stroking his long curls. "It's alright, Fee. He didn't hurt me. He's drunk, I'm sure he didn't know what he was doing."

"I'm sorry. I love you Kili. I'm sorry." Fili said sincerely, looking up into those dark eyes of Kili's for forgiveness. The brunet dropped a kiss onto his forehead before pulling him close once more. "I love you too, Fee. Let's go home."

In the darkness waiting for the sunrise, Fili sat propped up on their bed smoking a cigarette with Kili's arm draped over him to keep their bodies close as he watched his beloved sleep. "Please don't ever leave me. Everyone I ever loved has left me, I know I would die if I lost you. I promise to always protect you and keep you safe. No one will ever hurt you, Kili. _No one_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like me to add previews of the upcoming chapter here in the end notes to help make things a little clearer in the future, please let me know. If not, I'll continue to keep the next chapter a surprise :)  
> All comments and kudos are much appreciated!  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
